It's Above Me Now

"The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest" -Kanye West

Have you ever thought about killing yourself? You just felt so tired of being sad, hurt or misunderstood that you just felt it would be better of to end it all. I've been there before, and it got dark really fast, so dark that I've made 3 separate attempts on my own life. Recently, I've felt those thoughts brewing in my belly, because honestly, the past 8 months have not been easy on me at all. And yesterday, it almost felt as though I was finally losing grip of the last piece of me I had left.

So instead of giving into my need of eternal sleep, I cried. I screamed and shouted and prayed and cried and completely let go. I needed to get that spirit out of me because no one knows what I've gone through, or the magnitude of my strength like I do. The past 8 months has shown me that I am too codependent on toxicity. I yearn to be in relations with those who have caused me pain due to knowing the good we have experienced. I trusted that leaning onto those who claimed to love me would help heal me through the silent battles I've been fighting within me and surrounding me. But instead I was met with judgement, disappointments, and heartache and I'm over it.

There's a reason I am still here 10 years later and to think that I almost allowed that circumstance to make me feel like my life was no longer worth living almost upsets me. I prayed and asked God to get rid of all things that are not for me and he began to expose me to the true intentions of those around me. And while I've been getting these signs, some for years, I've ignored them due to my needs of acceptance, love and support. But all of those things are already within me because God is also within me.

I say all of this to say, today I killed my old way of thinking, my past behaviors, and relationships that bring me more pain than joy. I killed my need to be nurtured and replaced it with inner strenghted. I renovated my way of thinking by remembering who was with me, everytime, on time, and without missing a beat, me and my God, the only people I should be trying to impress. I refuse to hold on to any anger or animosity toward those situations because that burden is not one I wish to carry.

This stage in my life I call complete independent womanhood.